It’s one thing having a holiday, it’s quite another being seriously ill and unable to do anything, or keep stimulated. For the second time in my life, I have had a long convalescence. I am unable to do anything that might put extra pressure on my lungs, nor am I able to have contact with other human beings. It has left me feeling odd; distanced and outside of life. It’s an awful feeling, and I am craving human contact, getting back to work, and a routine. I’ve also noticed the distinct lack of sunshine, which wasn’t helped by being stuck in the grey, four walls of a hospital overlooking the Thames dockyards east of the Dartford Bridge. Horrible, depressing place where I had no sleep and had nothing to do.
I’m bored. TV doesn’t help, I can’t read. I feel restless and want to get back to life, but I am stuck here until my General Practitioner clears me – hopefully tomorrow. Even if I am cleared to get back to work, I am unable to get back to exercise or any real activity until my cough has completely disappeared. I feel truly stuck, and desperate.
While others are dreading a return to work in the New Year, I felt like I didn’t have a winter celebration, having gone into hospital on Boxing Day, and gone to bed before 21.00 on New Year’s Eve. For me, the reality of it being 2013 hasn’t quite sunk in and a return to work feels like it could be a return to life for me. Normal things, like shopping, getting fuel, going for a walk to the park, getting my hair done, just getting out would be welcome. Anything, but staring at four walls constantly.
I am acutely aware of how much I need my friends, my family, human contact to feel alive again. I am aware this is a sign of depression, and I’m aware I probably have an acute case right now, but the awareness of it offers no relief. I am seriously unhappy. Being unwell always affects me more on an emotional/mental level than a physical one. I am just not sure what I can do about it right now, since I can’t work, and am not allowed out.
Here’s hoping my doctor gives me approval to return to work tomorrow. I may find it exhausting since my body clock is completely out – I’m currently following a sleeping pattern more appropriate for those that work days, not evenings – but, I’m sure I will get back into the swing of things quickly. I just need to get back to being myself.